Category Archives: On My Mind

Photo Dump and Thoughts…

I love a short work week, but it always throws me off… for a second I thought it was Friday, and then I realized it wasn’t.  Enzo wound up with a stomach bug, and we’re wondering if it was slowly building up over the weekend, which would explain some of the extra crankiness and the unexpected vomiting in the car.  He never had a fever until Tuesday night when he wound up being sick again.  He started acting much more like himself last night, though, and ate a large dinner.  This morning he wanted to stay home again with me despite feeling better. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to just say “Okay” and not go to work.  I know it would be rough, but our next goal is to have me be a stay at home mom in the upcoming year. Enzo is a preschooler so he’d be in preschool part-time and I think that would be perfect for him.  He loves preschool, but often gets overstimulated and burned out after being there all day long.  I know it would mean giving up a lot going from two incomes to one, but I really do think it would be worth it.  In time, I’ll hopefully be able to work part-time to help out as well.  Now, we just need to see if we can make it a reality and get our debt paid off. Nope, wrong attitude. It WILL happen, there is no if, only when.

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Where there is joy.

When I start to feel disconnected from the present either because I’m overwhelmed or stressed or distracted, I try and put away my phone, take a few deep breaths and sort of shake everything off while reminding myself that life is too short for ____.  Some days it’s just a matter of telling myself that life is too short to worry about messy floors, laundry, and whether or not the kids get dressed.   Other days it’s bigger worries, but if I remind myself to stay in the moment and be (annoyingly) optimistic, I start to feel better.  And you know what?  Generally everything does get better.  I don’t think I’ve ever told myself that things will be okay and they haven’t been.

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Kids are actually a great example of staying present and living in the moment.  They have so few worries and can find such joy in simple things.  While I may hate cleaning up the sticky mess, bubbles are one of those things that bring the biggest smiles and giggles and happy dances.  Why would I deny that?  Why is it that as we age we often forget what it’s like to be a child and lose some of the joy we once knew?  There are times when I catch us saying “No” too often and I have to stop myself because I want them to know joy when it is experienced with great abandon.  Isn’t that what I loved about childhood, after all?  A little recklessness isn’t the worst thing, and a few scrapes and bruises aren’t the end of the world.  They’re a badge of a well-lived childhood, in my mind.  Some of my fondest memories involve somewhat reckless behavior whether it was steering a red wagon down our steep driveway and crashing into the fence or tumbling out and ending up with gravel in our knees and elbows or some other dangerous game.  There’s nothing more frustrating than hearing “No” all the time, though, so who can blame a child for getting angry when they keep running into roadblocks.  While I want to protect them, I also want to make sure they have their independence, so… balance.

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Life is just one big balancing act… although sometimes it’s juggling, and sometimes it’s definitely acrobatic.  The point is, life (and parenting especially) is just one big circus.  I’m beginning to realize that so many things are really out of my hands and it’s up to me to make the best of any situation.  Sometimes I fail at doing this and I let the emotions and actions of others affect my mood and it can be quite an effort to ground myself, take breaths and find my joy again, but it’s always worth the energy it takes to do so.  It is my hope that I can one day teach Enzo how to “deal” with his highly sensitive nature, since he is so like me, which was once again very apparent during this busy holiday weekend.  We’re very sensitive to the moods of everyone around us and we can be having a great time, but all it takes is a few negative interactions and we find ourselves getting irritable and “off.”  When I can ground myself, I can positively deal with a tantrum and it’s over so much more quickly than when I have a bunch of emotions bottled up and I’m trying to contain them and they just explode all at once.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely like me.  We are very emotional people.

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Emotions are good, though, and while our highly sensitive nature may mean we struggle at times, we can still also find great joy in the little things, like watching bubbles reflect light in the sun.  There’s also no greater joy than listening to tiny feet dance around hundreds of falling bubbles. That, my friends, is magic.

What no one ever prepared me for…

Before Enzo was born we did what we could to prepare for his arrival.  You could easily find everything an infant could possibly need or want and plan for every possible scenario you read online while frantically wondering if you would be a good parent to your baby.  Books and online forums can tell you a lot about what you can maybe expect when your baby arrives, but since all babies are different this information can all be very hit or miss.  There are, however, so many things a book can’t possibly prepare you for.

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I knew I’d be tired, but didn’t realize that sleep would probably never be what it was before kids. I foolishly thought that one day they’d just start sleeping on their own and that would be that.  Maybe it will… Enzo is only 3 after all, but for now a solid night’s rest is like a mirage in the desert.  Sleep deprivation can cause loss of brain function and irritability and there are days when I feel like the worst mom ever because I have zero patience and get angry with my kids for… well, probably just being kids.  It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when you have one child crying and whining (probably because they are tired or hungry and you misjudged just how much) and the other is screaming and throwing a tantrum, all while you’re trying to get them food or something else of equal importance. I’m definitely guilty of yelling at my kids at these moments, and not losing my temper is something I have to work on.  I never could have prepared myself for how drained I’d feel at times and when you’re a parent – you’re always a parent. That doesn’t stop when you feel sick mentally or physically.  It can be hard to always be calm, cool and collected.

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I could go on about some of the negative things books don’t prepare you for, like how it’s not just getting peed on during diaper changes you have to watch out for or just how hurt you’ll feel the first time you’re “Mommy-shamed” for something ridiculous, but I won’t.  Instead I’ll tell you about the great things no one can truly prepare you for like the swelling in your heart that happens when your kids light up when you enter a room and they smile just for you, or when your significant other cradles your newborn or soothes a fussy baby/toddler.  How your preschooler might tantrum and is difficult to a point where you just want to throw your hands up in the air, but then they give you a huge hug and tell you you’re their best friend.  You’ll gladly put off pretty much anything for a good snuggle and even after a bad day you’ll ask for time to stand still while you watch your quickly growing babe sleep.

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I may still be uncertain about who I am and what I want at times, but I do know that my kids are making me a better person.  They’ve altered my priorities and goals somewhat, and sometimes make attaining certain things more difficult, but we could all use a challenge now and then, right?   Though it might feel like they challenge me every day, they are challenging me to be the best parent/mom/person I can be, and I do greatly appreciate that.

Permission to Breathe…

You know what’s awesome?  This summer.  Maybe it’s just because the kids are older and have gotten more fun (babies are great, but kind of boring… just saying).  I think it’s also because I’ve taken the pressure off of myself by putting away the To Do lists and anything else that I felt was overwhelming me. The result is that a lot of things haven’t necessarily gotten done, but I feel more relaxed and have been enjoying my free time more.  Whereas before I felt rushed because I had to do such and such, lately I’ve just been playing it by ear and don’t feel as pressured to get something done.  Already I feel like my motivation is coming back and like I actually want to tackle my To Do list, and have in fact done so.

It seems silly that I needed to give myself permission to take a step back not only from adult responsibility, but also from things that give me joy.  I think I had too many things I was trying to give time to, though, and in turn they stopped being fun.  I like pulling out my camera and taking photos (good or bad), but lately I haven’t even much felt like doing that and one thing I’d like to do is make time for that hobby so I can become better at it.  I love learning about essential oils, but even that started to feel overwhelming with so much going on this summer.  I could go on, but I won’t.

Instead of doing the many things on my to-do list (including ordering updated kiddo photos… whoops), we have rearranged the house making it much more enjoyable, but I’ve also been reading A LOT more and wasting time binge watching a bunch of shows.  It’s thoroughly enjoyable and relaxing.  This much needed break has given me lots of time to reflect and dream and plan and be inspired, and now I just need all the thoughts in my brain to settle and organize themselves and then take action.

Thankfully kids are experts when it comes to shirking adult responsibility, so we’ve also been doing some Pony rehab lately.  Phoebe and I have a growing collection and some need more cleanup than others when they’re added to the herd.  I have zero shame that I’m a Pony nerd, and love that Phoebe often picks out a different one each night to briefly play with. What can I say? They make me happy. 😉

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5 Years

Well, 5 years ago today Josh and I were married in probably one of the shortest ceremonies ever (that’s just how we roll).  It’s been an interesting 5 years, to the say the least.  We’ve moved twice (which is actually an improvement considering how many times we’ve moved together since meeting), and our family has doubled in size.  Its cliché, but the whole roller coaster analogy is an accurate one.  We’ve had ups and downs, but that’s to be expected – marriage and parenting can take a lot of work at times.  It’s always easier getting through the down times when I consider the up times, though.  I suppose it’s only fitting that Josh and I will be spending our anniversary acting like kids and riding all the rides at Valley Fair if the weather cooperates… if not, we will still attempt to do something fun.

If we were going to be more mature, however, the interwebs tells me that the traditional 5 year gift is Wood (insert inappropriate jokes here) or the modern gift is… silverware.  Seriously?  Apparently the colors associated with 5 years are blue, pink or turquoise and the flower is a daisy, so do with that what you will.

If we were tremendously cheesy and sappy we would plant a tree together this year such as an oak to represent solidity or a pine tree to represent “the evergreen character of our love for one another” while toasting one another “with hope that our love continues to grow and prosper like the trees around you.” Excuse me while I snort into my coffee.  No offense to those who actually think this is a good idea.

As for gift suggestions, I already know he’s going to like what I got, but apparently I was way off the mark.  I should have gotten something like a magazine subscription or wooden baskets or a curio cabinet (well, perhaps for his action figures this could be okay) or better yet a “framed share of stock in a major company that has meaning to the both of you.”  Well, I suppose we could buy stock in Lego or Playstation…

In any event, despite our differences and the everyday stresses that being really awesome brings, I think we’re a good team.  We’re not a perfect one, but we work well together and our differences often create a necessary balance when it comes to raising two very opinionated, very strong-willed, very awesome kids.  In order not to be overthrown by our tiny dictators, we have learned a lot about ourselves and each other and I’m glad I have my current partner.  He puts up with my stress induced craziness and I put up with his really bad memory and snoring.

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In all seriousness, though – I look forward to the years to come and what adventures lie ahead for our nerdy family.